the myth of the outsider

bah. back here in the way back of huh what do I say



grey cool day



got my Shepherd here in the way back of 10 miles away from where

I sleep

most of the time



ah

it's the day of the night of the first game of the World Series fuck it

only



what

in a holding pattern

My head and my emotions are so fucked up at this point, I'll have no choice but to write novels.



The fog on the highway this morning was heavy and gold with sunlight. The twisting traffic on the road ahead streamed along under and through it, a manifestation of my many impossibilities, imagined and real



My thoughts and my feelings are so fucked up at this point, I'll have no choice but to show you a thing or two about who you are dealing with



but of course

heavy-lidded remote manifestation, carnal

smoke dream. come here. the midnight console

lights dim and sultry as any club. hues of orange,

deep magenta, white blue, hazy red. behind the

scenes the selfsame agent inserts his modules, going

by instinct, eyes moist and lambent

as the blessed buds

arrest this poem



sweet thursday is more than just a Steinbeck

fable; it's the warm hand of fall and a day

like today when there's a fair chance

of airing out the neurotransmitters, taking

them for a little ride (come on,

you know what I'm talking about,

and 2 days into this pungent, fraught

season of angled light and leaves

is when the Molson tastes best)



ah, shit, it's the dying days of the world

and America

the tony robbins of the mind



must always remember there is only one chance for me now and that is to write and write long and write serious with Kafka, Van Gogh, Jimi Hendrix as spiritual guides, with Charles Bukowski methodology, and with something else I can't quite mention or else lure the jinx even more but I bet you can guess



man I feel like such a loser sitting up here in this state and yet I wouldn't be anywhere else, only doing something else and that is why it is critical for me to remember that there is only one chance left for me now either way, whether get paid or no, no matter what level of success achieve, the goal is to do this and to do it some more and once have done it to perform the follow through things one must do once have done it



shit may have to do it drunk some nights, might have to do it in front of the Red Sox on TV if do it starting right now rightexactlythisweek and month, but must do it and will do it, will cheese it up if necess., will do with abandon, the key is lots of dialogue and scenes from one to another and the waking dream. shit. why not do it now. no I mean right now. why else have a dead-end job in loserville 45 minutes from where you were born. but that's OK. because



there is only one chance for me now, only one watchword, only one key, only one thing



to do.