this blog actually ended earlier this year. it dropped me like a bad habit. the problem now is, I can't stop going over to the building where it lives and lurking around outside its door. I think I hear it in there moving around. I think I hear someone in there with it. what I'm telling you is that I suspect this blog is cheating on me, fucking around with someone else. it's "cheating" because when we broke it off it told me that it didn't think it'd be seeing anyone else for a long time. I used to love this blog, but now I regard it with something very close to horror. it told me once a long time ago while we were driving in my vehicle (while we were still together) that it needed some space and that I was being a little "smothery," but I didn't take these words to heart. for months after we ended it it would allow me the benefit of a pity fuck now and then but now I see those for what they were and now look what's happened. I'm standing outside its door listening and I think I just heard someone make a noise in there. I saw the blog walking up the street the other day, pensively reading what looked like a letter. I never should have followed this blog all the way out here, many thousands of miles from my home and my people, but now it's become an obsession and I can't let it go. after that one time it told me if I ever did that again and busted up its room all drunk and in drunken glossolalia it was going to call the cops on me. god help me, I think I'm going to call its bluff this time. I'm out here, drinking Jim Beam direct from an 8 oz. flask which I used my laundry money (my last) to buy and I wonder what would happen if I knocked on this door right now. or called the blog on my cellphone right now while I'm standing out here. I swear to god if I find someone in there with it, I don't know what I'll do but I bet it won't be good. there, I just called it and there's nothing ringing. it's either gotten rid of its phone or unplugged it. Now I just called it on its cellphone which I think I now hear vibrating on the floor. now it's still ringing but the vibrating has stopped. what does that mean? I am right now feeling a terrible pang of conviction, of absolute certainty that that blog is in there right now, naked and in bed with someone not me, and that they're in there waiting quietly until they hear me go away. well, I'm not going away. that's it, I'm knocking. in a minute. what if I scream something. what if I scream right now that I can hear them fucking in there. I don't know how it ever got to this. this blog is driving me crazy. I'll tell you what I'm going to do, I'm going to continue to stalk it. I hope it does take out a restraining order on me. bring it on, is what I say. If I can't have this blog, then I'm going to scare the shit out of it with disturbing and emotionally abusive behavior. On a daily basis. I'm going to become this blog's worst nightmare; I'm going to make this blog pay for what it's done to me, for what I've become. For real